Is It Wrong?

A few weeks back I decided that rather than buying another version of Angry Birds for my iPad, I would go back through the original version, which I rushed through, to get 3 stars in every level. Last night, I was up until 2:00, while Marc was bouncing between two movies that we’ve seen several times before, playing Angry Birds. 

My eyes hurt and I simply could not get passed the last game of the 3^rd and final level in level 4.  The game taunted me by setting new “high scores” but only giving me 2 out of 3 stars when I had killed all of the pigs and knocked down quite a bit of surrounding dynamite boxes.  I think it should be called Angry People because the birds don’t seem angry (well, the yellow ones do if you have the sound on), but I genuinely do.

I get equally, or perhaps even more, elated when I win a game. 

This morning, eyes literally puffy, I vowed to regain my perspective and put my time to better use.  I will exercise at the gym today while Marc is playing golf with a friend.  I will work on the presentation that I am making in New York on Wednesday.  I will not worry about my son being in a doorless helicopter over a volcano in Hawaii with his father.  I will polish my nails, load Dragon to my MacBook Air, write a blog post (check), organize my filing, pay some bills, water the outside plants…all after one more try at level 4 section 3, last game. 

And guess what!  After just 5 minutes, I won!  I killed the pigs, beat the high score AND got 3 stars.  And a golden egg appeared, apparently because I got 3 stars in all of the 3 games in that level.  I was so happy, literally happy, to have won.

Is that wrong?

It seems wrong to be so happy when: 

• It is just a game
• There is so much pain and suffering in the world
• It is meaningless to kill animated pigs (especially when I don’t eat mammals in real life, let alone kill them myself)

I could--and probably will--at some point further explore why it is that I feel the only time I am entitled to be happy is when I am being productive, as if that is the only time I am being good and therefore entitled to be here at all, earning my keep and such.

If you wonder why I think like this, well, that’s a 52-year long story, but here’s a glimpse:  Within 3 minutes of feeling true joy, I decided to review my triumphs and went back to level 1 only to discover that I had, in fact, not earned 3 stars in all games in every level.  Apparently the darn game puts you where you were when you restart and apparently I never went back to game 1 level 1 (as early on I didn’t know some levels have more than one set of screens).  And so, dear reader, my joy was short-lived.  I need to go back through levels 1-3 to get 3 stars in every screen. 

I need to do this. 

I won’t be happy until all the pigs are dead and I have 3 stars everywhere to prove I am successful and entitled to happiness.

This is wrong. 

I need help.

But for now, I think I’ll go to the gym, work on my presentation….